The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert
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- Create Date：2021-11-18 05:51:41
- Update Date：2025-09-06
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- Author：John M. Gottman
- ISBN：0553447718
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Summary
Just as Masters and Johnson were pioneers in the study of human sexuality， so Dr。 John Gottman has revolutionized the study of marriage。 As a professor of psychology at the University of Washington and the founder and director of the Seattle Marital and Family Institute， he has studied the habits of married couples in unprecedented detail over the course of many years。 His findings， and his heavily attended workshops， have already turned around thousands of faltering marriages。
This book is the culmination of his life's work: the seven principles that guide couples on the path toward a harmonious and long-lasting relationship。 Straightforward in their approach， yet profound in their effect， these principles teach partners new and startling strategies for making their marriage work。 Gottman helps couples focus on each other， on paying attention to the small day-to-day moments that， strung together， make up the heart and soul of any relationship。 Being thoughtful about ordinary matters provides spouses with a solid foundation for resolving conflict when it does occur and finding strategies for living with those issues that cannot be resolved。
Packed with questionnaires and exercises whose effectiveness has been proven in Dr。 Gottman's workshops， The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is the definitive guide for anyone who wants their relationship to attain its highest potential。
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is the result of Dr。 John Gottman's many years of closely observing thousands of marriages。 This kind of longitudinal research has never been done before。 Based on his findings， he has culled seven principles essential to the success of any marriage。
Maintain a love map。
Foster fondness and admiration。
Turn toward instead of away。
Accept influence。
Solve solvable conflicts。
Cope with conflicts you can't resolve。
Create shared meaning。
Dr。 Gottman's unique questionnaires and exercises will guide couples on the road to revitalizing their marriage， or making a strong one even better。
This book is the culmination of his life's work: the seven principles that guide couples on the path toward a harmonious and long-lasting relationship。 Straightforward in their approach， yet profound in their effect， these principles teach partners new and startling strategies for making their marriage work。 Gottman helps couples focus on each other， on paying attention to the small day-to-day moments that， strung together， make up the heart and soul of any relationship。 Being thoughtful about ordinary matters provides spouses with a solid foundation for resolving conflict when it does occur and finding strategies for living with those issues that cannot be resolved。
Packed with questionnaires and exercises whose effectiveness has been proven in Dr。 Gottman's workshops， The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is the definitive guide for anyone who wants their relationship to attain its highest potential。
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is the result of Dr。 John Gottman's many years of closely observing thousands of marriages。 This kind of longitudinal research has never been done before。 Based on his findings， he has culled seven principles essential to the success of any marriage。
Maintain a love map。
Foster fondness and admiration。
Turn toward instead of away。
Accept influence。
Solve solvable conflicts。
Cope with conflicts you can't resolve。
Create shared meaning。
Dr。 Gottman's unique questionnaires and exercises will guide couples on the road to revitalizing their marriage， or making a strong one even better。
Reviews
Elise
，
A worthwhile read， with a couple of key caveats to know before you read。 I thought that this book had a lot of great tips， however， I had a hard time at points because I found the snipey comments that were recorded （as a negative example， or used to show what you shouldn't do， or where you might be currently in your relationship） were very triggering for me。 There were also many times that I was floored that the things they reported were said were said between married couples who purported to lo A worthwhile read， with a couple of key caveats to know before you read。 I thought that this book had a lot of great tips， however， I had a hard time at points because I found the snipey comments that were recorded （as a negative example， or used to show what you shouldn't do， or where you might be currently in your relationship） were very triggering for me。 There were also many times that I was floored that the things they reported were said were said between married couples who purported to love each other。 Additionally， while they do try to couch this a bit， it is a little bit a product of it's time。 This book was published in 1999。 So they're coming from a much less "woke" perspective。 The book only discusses heterosexual marriage and while they state that it isn't a hard and fast rule they do fall into some gendered tropes。 That being said， if you look past those things， the advice is solid。 My therapist recommended it to me because of how solid and data based the underlying principles are， and he was right to do so。 I do have additional clarity about my relationship and myself due to this book。 。。。more
Susan
，
tMay be better as a hard copy book as lots of questionnaires insideIntroduces the four horsemen of a failing marriage
Justin
，
3。25 - Good information and I liked the scientific approach。 I felt some of the information was just common sense， but I think that the target demographic of this book is couples with failing marriages。The seven principles are: learn the details of your partner's life and stay updated， nurture your fondness and admiration for your partner， make an effort to do things together instead of separately， let your partner influence you， solve your solvable problems， compromise on unsolvable issues， and 3。25 - Good information and I liked the scientific approach。 I felt some of the information was just common sense， but I think that the target demographic of this book is couples with failing marriages。The seven principles are: learn the details of your partner's life and stay updated， nurture your fondness and admiration for your partner， make an effort to do things together instead of separately， let your partner influence you， solve your solvable problems， compromise on unsolvable issues， and create shared meaning and culture。 Two-thirds of married couples reported a large drop in marital satisfaction in the 3 years after having a child。 The love lab can determine whether a couple will be divorced with 91% accuracy。 People who are unhappily married have lower life expectancies。 People who are married live longer than those who are not。 It is important to be friends with your partner。 Failure of repair attempts can accurately determine divorce。 Stay up to date on your partner's thoughts， feelings， and other relevant information about their life。 Remind yourself of your spouse's good qualities。 Opt to do things together， instead of separately， even the small things。 When conversing with a partner， express a "us against others" attitude。 Allow your partner to influence you。 Pay specific attention to your partner's negative emotions， as they are a good indicator of issues that your partner is having in life or in the relationship。 To deal with unsolvable problems， explain why your position is so important to you。 Create shared meaning and culture。 Have rituals of connection， like sharing meals or cooking together。 Have shared goals。 Have shared values。 We tend to look at what our partner is lacking， instead of what is good about them。 。。。more
Mary
，
This was fine， I guess， but I bailed about a third of the way through。 The "workbook" format does not translate well to audiobook， although I imagine readers who are genuinely seeking help for their relationships will find the exercises at the end of each chapter useful。The thing is， this book just feels largely unnecessary。 It shouldn't really be mind-blowing or groundbreaking to learn that strong marriages are built on friendship， respect， reciprocity， and thoughtfulness。In many ways， I was in This was fine， I guess， but I bailed about a third of the way through。 The "workbook" format does not translate well to audiobook， although I imagine readers who are genuinely seeking help for their relationships will find the exercises at the end of each chapter useful。The thing is， this book just feels largely unnecessary。 It shouldn't really be mind-blowing or groundbreaking to learn that strong marriages are built on friendship， respect， reciprocity， and thoughtfulness。In many ways， I was intensely lucky with my marriage。 I met my now-husband when I was 24。 We were married when I was 26。 There was so much that neither of us knew about love and emotional intelligence and we were lucky to be able to grow together in that capacity。 But， we have also been intentional about that growth--not because of any counseling or therapy we received， but because we are two people who are committed to supporting each other， even if that's meant that we've had to learn to be effective communicators with each other。 I feel like a lot of people with strong marriages will read this book and be like "ummmm where's the revelation？" Basically this is stuff that anybody with a moderately high level of emotional intelligence will already be doing in their relationship。 。。。more
Kostas Kalevras
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Some interesting points and messages but overall a really difficult writing style to read in a repeatedly self-congratulatory fashion。
Ashley Roeder
，
Dr Gottman can predict whether or not a couple will get divorced with 90-something percent accuracy while watching just a 15 minute conversation between them （if there are no interventions）。 His research shows that traditional marriage therapy isn't actually effective and does not have a great success rate over time。 He identifies what he calls the "Four Horseman of the Apocalypse" （contempt， criticism， defensiveness and stonewalling） and how they absolutely ruin marriages if they are not addres Dr Gottman can predict whether or not a couple will get divorced with 90-something percent accuracy while watching just a 15 minute conversation between them （if there are no interventions）。 His research shows that traditional marriage therapy isn't actually effective and does not have a great success rate over time。 He identifies what he calls the "Four Horseman of the Apocalypse" （contempt， criticism， defensiveness and stonewalling） and how they absolutely ruin marriages if they are not addressed。 What's crazy is that I learned all that in college， but I don't think these principles of how to have a healthy and thriving marriage were ever presented to me！ Some of these principles are so easy to do， which also makes them easy to forget， unfortunately！ It also gave my husband and I the same language so we're on the same page while having more serious discussions。 Highly recommend this book， especially going through it with other couples and a mentor couple。 （And buying the newest edition and not trusting Thriftbooks to send you the updated version 😅。） 。。。more
Alison P。
，
3。75
Eli Weinstein
，
As a relationship expert and Married man， this is a must read！
Lux Si
，
I liked this one— if you can get past the first chapter or two of ego— it is quite useful！ Some of these tips can be applied to a variety of relationships as well。
Andres
，
Good read。 Good information on most common relationship problems recreated in laboratory settings and studied systematically。 Great amount of examples to help couples navigate through obstacles。
Mr。 CoconutRice
，
I read it with my wife as a shared activity， and we both like it！ The advice and exercises given in the book are constructive and help us protect and strengthen our relationship。 From our standpoint， the key takeaways from the book are that a happy marriage is based on a deep friendship and that it is a lifelong process to improve our relationship。
Jason
，
Every couple should read Gottman。 I really enjoyed his writing and objective approach。
Wes Martin
，
This book was awesome。 It doesn’t only provide a useful perspective on the challenges and opportunities of marriage， but also gives a lot of exercises to help couples。 I definitely want to re-read this and work through it with my wife。
Kate Regier
，
This is the kind of book that I would recommend to anyone in a serious relationship， because even if you’re in a good relationship， knowing how to get out of a bad relationship is incredibly helpful。 This offered clear and practical advice that I will keep in mind moving forward。
Eva
，
Very practical and helpful， even if your marriage isn't "in trouble。" Very practical and helpful， even if your marriage isn't "in trouble。" 。。。more
Fernando Poveda
，
El libro plantea toda una metodología de trabajo para abordar una mejora sistemática de la relación de pareja。 Tiene como punto de partida los síntomas de una pareja con problemas， para luego dar respuestas y terapias concretas， apoyadas en formularios， ejemplos， ejercicios y preguntas-respuesta para mejorar en cada uno de los principios。 Resulta así un libro tremendamente práctico y metódico para abordar una terapia de pareja sistemática basada en la experiencia real。
Megan Buyer
，
This book is not groundbreaking。 And yet， it includes practical advice about marriage and relationships that I found refreshing and helpful。 I already got a copy for myself that I know I’ll come back to。
Hannah
，
All the stars。 This is an amazing book about how to appreciate your partner and build a connected life with them。
Emily
，
Beautiful， practical， and wise。
Angela
，
I think this will be an excellent guidebook to work through with my husband。 I listened to the whole thing before trying to work through quizzes， etc。 The only reason for 4 stars is that the audiobook really needs to come with supplemental files of the exercises。
Pete
，
Really helpful for useful preventive principles。 A lot of relationship books are about fixing things once they're bad - this one is about preventing that and keeping things going well。Had some very practical communication tips as well， which I've found incredibly useful in my own relationship。 Really helpful for useful preventive principles。 A lot of relationship books are about fixing things once they're bad - this one is about preventing that and keeping things going well。Had some very practical communication tips as well， which I've found incredibly useful in my own relationship。 。。。more
Tiff Miller
，
By far， the BEST marriage and relationship book I have ever read。 Levi and I are slowly working our way through the exercises together。 Each one is challenging， deeply connecting， and actually helpful。 It's refreshing to read a book like this that is not simply a "one-size-fits-all magic solution。" Rather， it's an evidence based approach with a lot of room for all kinds of people to apply basic principles in a way that suits their own personalities and family culture。 It's not a list of do's and By far， the BEST marriage and relationship book I have ever read。 Levi and I are slowly working our way through the exercises together。 Each one is challenging， deeply connecting， and actually helpful。 It's refreshing to read a book like this that is not simply a "one-size-fits-all magic solution。" Rather， it's an evidence based approach with a lot of room for all kinds of people to apply basic principles in a way that suits their own personalities and family culture。 It's not a list of do's and don'ts。 It's more a revealing of patterns that seem to hold up well over time in healthy marriages。 NOTE: It's a secular book。 I believe that all truth is God's truth， and the truths found in this book are far closer to what the Bible actually says about marriage than pretty much any Christian book on the subject that I have read so far。 It's freeing。 Delightfully freeing。 。。。more
Mary
，
How to kiss your wife's ass for the rest of your lifeWe use this book in therapy and it is just a kiss her ass book。 Sorry I'm not some bullshit toy How to kiss your wife's ass for the rest of your lifeWe use this book in therapy and it is just a kiss her ass book。 Sorry I'm not some bullshit toy 。。。more
Murtaza Hasan
，
I would like to begin this review with a personal rant of mine。 Often times when I see people referring to their relationships， their life， their circumstances they tend to have this view that it's a special snowflake， unique， unusual， uncommon， singular， something which has never happened before。 I am sorry to break the bubble it's not。 Most of us lie smack in the middle of the bell curve。 It does not mean we cannot enjoy our experiences uniquely but it just means that there are patterns to eve I would like to begin this review with a personal rant of mine。 Often times when I see people referring to their relationships， their life， their circumstances they tend to have this view that it's a special snowflake， unique， unusual， uncommon， singular， something which has never happened before。 I am sorry to break the bubble it's not。 Most of us lie smack in the middle of the bell curve。 It does not mean we cannot enjoy our experiences uniquely but it just means that there are patterns to everything。 A man who tries to learn to recognize patterns of life will always have an edge。 Anything that you want to know there is a 100% chance that a human before you has already delved deep into it。Rant over。John Gottman has spent his whole life trying to decipher marriage and what makes or breaks them so it is an excellent exercise to think about what he says if you wish to improve your marriage。 I will list down all the 7 principles and after that write 2 of the most interesting ideas I took。1。 Enhance your love maps。2。 Nurture fondness and admiration。3。 Turn toward each other （rather than against or away）。4。 Let your partner influence you。5。 Solve your solvable problems。6。 Overcome gridlock。7。 Create shared meaning。The 2 most interesting ideas I took were:1。 The Four Horsemen: Anytime a conflict happens there are four signs that it is not going to go down well:Criticism: Verbally attacking personality or character。Defensiveness: Victimizing yourself to ward off a perceived attack and reverse the blame。Contempt: Attacking sense of self with an intent to insult。Stonewalling: Withdrawing to avoid conflict and convey disapproval， distance and separation。Knowing when they creep up and how to deal with them is essential knowledge if you wish to keep your marriage alive。To prevent the horsemen from appearing among the best techniques I learned was of a gentle start-up， talk about your feelings using "I" statements instead of "You"， build a culture of appreciation， take responsibility， physiological self-soothing。 Each marriage is a microculture in itself which needs a careful balance and approach。2。 Perpetual and Solvable problems: In all marriages， there are problems that can be solved and then there are problems that cannot be solved。 It took me a lot of effort to digest the later part。 Perpetual problems are the ones that will always remain， the only thing both partners can do is empathize with each other and just prevent those from turning into a gridlock。 That's all that can be done。 When Gottman caught with couples years down the line on those issues even with happy couples， they were still there。These problems are connected with the identity of the partner which does not change。 In close marriages， people learn to compromise with each other。 The problem is both people believe in their views as the unchanging real truth。 However， what both partners need to realize is that there is no objective reality and only subjective reality。It's an overall great book to read and it can truly help anyone's marriage。 。。。more
Mirna Sabbagh
，
John Gottman is the ultimate expert on relationships。 He is a wonderful researcher and writer and his knowledge and experience is important for anyone hoping to have a long term healthy relationship。 The book is very organized and practical and provides you with questionnaires， tools， and real life scenarios to learn from。 You can see an instant change in the relationship once you start applying the simple principles。 It also changed my perspective on a healthy relationship。 A healthy relationsh John Gottman is the ultimate expert on relationships。 He is a wonderful researcher and writer and his knowledge and experience is important for anyone hoping to have a long term healthy relationship。 The book is very organized and practical and provides you with questionnaires， tools， and real life scenarios to learn from。 You can see an instant change in the relationship once you start applying the simple principles。 It also changed my perspective on a healthy relationship。 A healthy relationship can have a ton of fights and ups and downs， and still be extremely healthy and meaningful and last decades。 。。。more
Emily
，
I love the Gottman method and this book is a good overview of its core principles but I was pretty disappointed at some of the chapters being quite heteronormative and buying into some sexist thoughts/statements。
jenna roma
，
I read this book for my clinical social work II class and it so happens that i got married this year， so i found the content to be applicable and constructive。 it lead to a lot of introspection and provided helpful feedback。 the case examples throughout illustrated the concepts in a clear and concise way。 would definitely recommend to other aspiring therapists or just anyone who’s married/in a committed relationship。
Denis Vasilev
，
В основном книга о конструктивном споре и спокойном отношении к чертам характера партнера， которые сложно изменить。 В любых отношениях есть проблемы， которые никогда не будут решены， поэтому на их тему бесполезно "серьезно говорить"。 Можно обсуждать решаемые， но помнить， что на какой ноте начнешь спор， на такой и закончишь。 В основном книга о конструктивном споре и спокойном отношении к чертам характера партнера， которые сложно изменить。 В любых отношениях есть проблемы， которые никогда не будут решены， поэтому на их тему бесполезно "серьезно говорить"。 Можно обсуждать решаемые， но помнить， что на какой ноте начнешь спор， на такой и закончишь。 。。。more
Kristina
，
At the heart of the Seven Principles approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship。 By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company。 These couples tend to know each other intimately—they are well versed in each other’s likes， dislikes， personality quirks， hopes， and dreams。 They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out。Friendship fuels the fla At the heart of the Seven Principles approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship。 By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company。 These couples tend to know each other intimately—they are well versed in each other’s likes， dislikes， personality quirks， hopes， and dreams。 They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out。Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse。Betrayal is， fundamentally， any act or life choice that doesn’t prioritize the commitment and put the partner “before all others。”We say they are using a repair attempt。 This term refers to any statement or action—silly or otherwise—that prevents negativity from escalating out of control。 Repair attempts are a secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples—even though many of these couples aren’t aware that they are employing something so powerful。 When a couple have a strong friendship， they naturally become experts at sending each other repair attempts and at correctly reading those sent their way。In the strongest marriages， husband and wife share a deep sense of meaning。 They don’t just “get along”—they also support each other’s hopes and aspirations and build a sense of purpose into their lives together。 That is really what I mean when I talk about honoring and respecting each other。In contrast， emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world。 I call this having a richly detailed love map—my term for that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life。Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance。 Although happily married couples may feel driven to distraction at times by their partner’s personality flaws， they still feel that the person they married is worthy of honor and respect。 They cherish each other， which is critical to keeping their Sound Relationship House intact and preventing betrayal。 If fondness and admiration are completely missing， reviving the relationship is impossible。It is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life。No one is right。 There is no absolute reality in marital conflict， only two subjective ones。 This is true whether the disagreement is solvable or perpetual。 。。。more
Parker
，